I have PCOS.
I have a blood clotting gene mutation.
I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
I am infertile.
I suffer from recurrent miscarriages.

This body and these genes have determined my life path. They have also chosen it for my husband.

My guilt over this is tremendous. My husband is so good about this being “our disease” or “our monster.” How can I not blame myself though? How can I not blame my body for killing his children?

I can’t.

3 Replies to “Guilty”

  1. I just found your blog through Kelly’s Korner. I can relate to so many things you have posted!! I also have PCOS and Hashimoto’s. I suffered one miscarriage in 2006. We adopted our amazing son in 2007. One thing I wish fertile people would know is adoption does not cure infertility. Every time people announce their pregnancy, it still stings in my heart – a lot. And, for a few days, I become angry and bitter. Usually by the time they have the baby I am fine. But, truth be told, it still hurts. I love my son more than I could ever love anyone, I just wish I could have him as well as the daughter we lost. In a perfect world, I would tuck them each in at night. I am a pray-er and I will be praying that you receive the family you are so hoping for and that you are able to heal your heart. Take care.

  2. I have PCOS, PAI-1 Blood clotting disorder, MTHFR mutation and also Hashimoto with a little recurrent miscarriage diagnosis thrown in. I have had 3 losses in 3 years and just reading that someone else even knows what I’m talking about is such a God send. Thanks for sending all of this out into the void. I hate my body and the choices it made.

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