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Drawn back

I don’t know why, but here we are.

It’s been a year (almost exactly).
Here are some of the recent search terms people have used to find this site:

  • i hate being infertile
  • i hate fertile people
  • how to tell people you are infertile
  • i hate fertile women
  • fertile people
  • fertile people don’t understand
  • infertile people hate when
  • stupid things people say to infertile women
  • fucking hate fertile people
  • hate infertility
  • what infertile people want you to know
  • things i wish people knew about infertility
  • i hate being around pregnant women infertility
  • stupid fertiles
  • why are stupid people so fertile
  • dear god why am i infertile
  • is it normal to feel off kilter during miscarriage

Heartbreaking.

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Seriously?

Today we learned that we have male factor infertility in addition to my PCOS, blood clotting disorder, recurrent miscarriages and autoimmune disease.

Please don’t tell me some stupid shit like it just wasn’t meant to be. I might punch you in the throat.

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Guilty

I have PCOS.
I have a blood clotting gene mutation.
I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
I am infertile.
I suffer from recurrent miscarriages.

This body and these genes have determined my life path. They have also chosen it for my husband.

My guilt over this is tremendous. My husband is so good about this being “our disease” or “our monster.” How can I not blame myself though? How can I not blame my body for killing his children?

I can’t.

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Don’t Say This

You are so lucky with no kids, you get to sleep in!

Sleeping in is pretty great. I will freely admit that.
I’m not sure it is quite comparable though.
Sleeping in or a lifetime of broken dreams?
Sleeping in or the overwhelming sadness of your husband never being a father?
Sleeping in or celebrating due dates for lost children rather than birthday’s?
Sleeping in or….

Please don’t say this. There is nothing lucky about having this path chosen for you.

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The Baby Shower Guide

There’s a baby shower going on today at work. I was feeling bad that I didn’t think that I could go. I put in money and signed the card but anything baby shower related is too painful for me. Then I feel bad. Then I feel sad. It’s a cycle, one that repeats itself all day.

Really though, why would I do something that hurts so much? No one will care. There will be plenty of people there and I’m sure that I won’t be missed. I just tried to explain why I won’t be able to participate and got a really, really insensitive response. People just don’t understand. But I knew that already.

The Baby Shower Guide for Infertile People:

Don’t go. If it hurts, don’t do it. Since we know that the understanding is just not there, don’t attempt to explain unless you are asked. Just don’t go. If anyone is upset you can tell them that it is too painful. No more, no less. Anyone who doesn’t get it is pretty damn thick. I don’t see an upside to going. The only downside is that I don’t get a cupcake. Oh well. I’ll live.

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Stolen

Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss has stolen a lot from me. I was just thinking today that I will never again see a positive pregnancy test and be happy like I was the first time. That was a wonderful time. The testing like crazy, watching the line get darker and taking lots of pictures to send to my mother-in-law. After we lost that baby, every other positive test has been met with fear. And usually, “Oh shit.”

I just want to have that first feeling again. I want Joe to have it too. It’s one of the many things that this journey has stolen from us.

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Raw

I shared this blog with a friend. She responded that it is sure full of hurt. Yep, guilty on that one.

I am having to very consciously censor myself in a lot of these posts. While it’s therapeutic to throw everything out on the table, I have to remember my true intentions: Dear Fertile People, things an infertile girl wants you to know.

It’s not: Dear Fertile People, you do everything wrong and I hate you.
Or
Dear Fertile People, WTF is wrong with you?
Or
Dear Fertile People, I’m a jealous, negative bitch.

It’s things that I want you to know.

I can’t promise that I will always have the level of tact that I should, or that I won’t come across as excessively angry.
Unfortunately, I am excessively angry and raw.