I rarely look at my site statistics. Especially since I never post. When I do check though, I always look at the search terms. It gives me a good idea of how people found the site. It always makes me sad though. Recent terms have been I” hate being barren” and “I hate being infertile”. Barren is a really shitty word. I hate that word.
I also hate when someone reacts to your miscarriage by saying that they have lost a pet so they know what you are going though. Yeah, no you dumbass. Not even remotely the same thing. Grrrr.
I went down the Facebook rabbit hole.
It was not planned. I dont even know how it happened. Looking for a work friend and ended up on my high school reunion page.
So many fucking kids. A million tiny babies. Twins even.
Why the fuck did I do that?
Just going to leave this here:
Announcing a Pregnancy
The husband decides that he is done. Well and truly done.
It literally took my breath away. Stole it, leaving me gasping.
You see, this is not what we had agreed upon. It doesn’t matter though, he’s just no longer in that head space.
And now I try to accept this thing that feels taken from me. All while trying not to become a statistic. We made it through six losses, this will become less raw with time too, right?
Please say yes.
I don’t know why, but here we are.
It’s been a year (almost exactly).
Here are some of the recent search terms people have used to find this site:
- i hate being infertile
- i hate fertile people
- how to tell people you are infertile
- i hate fertile women
- fertile people
- fertile people don’t understand
- infertile people hate when
- stupid things people say to infertile women
- fucking hate fertile people
- hate infertility
- what infertile people want you to know
- things i wish people knew about infertility
- i hate being around pregnant women infertility
- stupid fertiles
- why are stupid people so fertile
- dear god why am i infertile
- is it normal to feel off kilter during miscarriage
Today we learned that we have male factor infertility in addition to my PCOS, blood clotting disorder, recurrent miscarriages and autoimmune disease.
Please don’t tell me some stupid shit like it just wasn’t meant to be. I might punch you in the throat.
I have PCOS.
I have a blood clotting gene mutation.
I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
I am infertile.
I suffer from recurrent miscarriages.
This body and these genes have determined my life path. They have also chosen it for my husband.
My guilt over this is tremendous. My husband is so good about this being “our disease” or “our monster.” How can I not blame myself though? How can I not blame my body for killing his children?
You are so lucky with no kids, you get to sleep in!
Sleeping in is pretty great. I will freely admit that.
I’m not sure it is quite comparable though.
Sleeping in or a lifetime of broken dreams?
Sleeping in or the overwhelming sadness of your husband never being a father?
Sleeping in or celebrating due dates for lost children rather than birthday’s?
Sleeping in or….
Please don’t say this. There is nothing lucky about having this path chosen for you.
Why are Mother’s and Father’s Day so close?
Why not space them out to give us infertile/loss people a bit of time to breathe?
As I was falling apart, my husband was working desperately to help me keep it together.
Reverse that, only one month later and I am feeling off-kilter and unbalanced.
This year was particularly hard for both of us. We have already decided that next year we are going to try and ignore it all and go to a movie. We just sat around, looked at each other and cried occasionally. I do not want to do that again anytime soon.
Here’s a tip for the fertile people: it’s ok to acknowledge these two days. If you are thinking of it, you can be sure that we are as well.
Watching my husband struggle today is heartbreaking.
He’s a Father to six except not. There’s no celebrating in this empty home.
Today is a day to grit our teeth and hope bedtime comes early.