Category: Infertility

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Recent searches

I rarely look at my site statistics. Especially since I never post. When I do check though, I always look at the search terms. It gives me a good idea of how people found the site. It always makes me sad though. Recent terms have been I” hate being barren” and “I hate being infertile”. Barren is a really shitty word. I hate that word.

I also hate when someone reacts to your miscarriage by saying that they have lost a pet so they know what you are going though. Yeah, no you dumbass. Not even remotely the same thing. Grrrr.

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I just fucked myself up

I went down the Facebook rabbit hole.
It was not planned. I dont even know how it happened. Looking for a work friend and ended up on my high school reunion page.
So many fucking kids. A million tiny babies. Twins even.
Why the fuck did I do that?

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And then…

The husband decides that he is done. Well and truly done.

It literally took my breath away. Stole it, leaving me gasping.

You see, this is not what we had agreed upon. It doesn’t matter though, he’s just no longer in that head space.

And now I try to accept this thing that feels taken from me. All while trying not to become a statistic. We made it through six losses, this will become less raw with time too, right?
Please say yes.

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Drawn back

I don’t know why, but here we are.

It’s been a year (almost exactly).
Here are some of the recent search terms people have used to find this site:

  • i hate being infertile
  • i hate fertile people
  • how to tell people you are infertile
  • i hate fertile women
  • fertile people
  • fertile people don’t understand
  • infertile people hate when
  • stupid things people say to infertile women
  • fucking hate fertile people
  • hate infertility
  • what infertile people want you to know
  • things i wish people knew about infertility
  • i hate being around pregnant women infertility
  • stupid fertiles
  • why are stupid people so fertile
  • dear god why am i infertile
  • is it normal to feel off kilter during miscarriage

Heartbreaking.

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Seriously?

Today we learned that we have male factor infertility in addition to my PCOS, blood clotting disorder, recurrent miscarriages and autoimmune disease.

Please don’t tell me some stupid shit like it just wasn’t meant to be. I might punch you in the throat.

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Guilty

I have PCOS.
I have a blood clotting gene mutation.
I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.
I am infertile.
I suffer from recurrent miscarriages.

This body and these genes have determined my life path. They have also chosen it for my husband.

My guilt over this is tremendous. My husband is so good about this being “our disease” or “our monster.” How can I not blame myself though? How can I not blame my body for killing his children?

I can’t.

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A tip

Why are Mother’s and Father’s Day so close?
Why not space them out to give us infertile/loss people a bit of time to breathe?

As I was falling apart, my husband was working desperately to help me keep it together.
Reverse that, only one month later and I am feeling off-kilter and unbalanced.

This year was particularly hard for both of us. We have already decided that next year we are going to try and ignore it all and go to a movie. We just sat around, looked at each other and cried occasionally. I do not want to do that again anytime soon.

Here’s a tip for the fertile people: it’s ok to acknowledge these two days. If you are thinking of it, you can be sure that we are as well.

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Father’s Day

Watching my husband struggle today is heartbreaking.
He’s a Father to six except not. There’s no celebrating in this empty home.

Today is a day to grit our teeth and hope bedtime comes early.

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Purple nail polish?

In the last month or so, I have had several unexpected infertility and loss bonding sessions.
A sweet co-worker going through her first loss. The lovely tech taking my blood the day before Mother’s Day while being surrounding by pregnant women. The online friend trying to figure out how to mark the due date of her lost baby without falling into the pit of depression.

These three conversations were a result of my openness and willingness to talk about infertility and loss. This is fairly new for me. I used to be fully in the closet. I don’t even know why. Why don’t people talk about infertility? It’s too personal? That just seems silly now. I gain so much from these interactions. Infertility, despite the strong online community, is very isolating in real life. Fertility is all around you – literally. You feel alone in your grief with only your spouse to hang on to. Until you start talking about it. When you find a person dealing with infertility too, the bond is immediate. You are sisters. Sisters in loss. We have our own club. It sucks, but it’s ours.

I wish that there was a way for us to find each other IRL. Without stupid rubber bracelets. Something more subtle. Purple nail polish on our pinky fingers?