Posted on

Drawn back

I don’t know why, but here we are.

It’s been a year (almost exactly).
Here are some of the recent search terms people have used to find this site:

  • i hate being infertile
  • i hate fertile people
  • how to tell people you are infertile
  • i hate fertile women
  • fertile people
  • fertile people don’t understand
  • infertile people hate when
  • stupid things people say to infertile women
  • fucking hate fertile people
  • hate infertility
  • what infertile people want you to know
  • things i wish people knew about infertility
  • i hate being around pregnant women infertility
  • stupid fertiles
  • why are stupid people so fertile
  • dear god why am i infertile
  • is it normal to feel off kilter during miscarriage

Heartbreaking.

Posted on

Don’t Say This

I hate being pregnant.

Ugh. This one is hard to explain. It basically comes down to gratefulness and how you display it.

I’m sure that you are happy that you are pregnant. I’m also sure that pregnancy is hard, physically and emotionally. I know that. You know that. We all know that. It hurts, you feel gross and your hormones are going crazy.

I hate being pregnant.

To an infertile person, this statement is like a punch in the gut. It knocks the wind out of you and all you can do is stand there with your mouth open, trying not to cry. Or lash out. The only thing going through your head is, “Do you have any idea how badly I want what you hate?”

Infertile people are everywhere. Men, women, young, old. There is no tell-tale sign of an infertile so assume that we are everywhere. We are behind you in the grocery store check-out, sitting next to you in Starbucks and working on the other side of the cubicle wall. We are everywhere. Just remember that.

We are everywhere.

Posted on

Stolen

Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss has stolen a lot from me. I was just thinking today that I will never again see a positive pregnancy test and be happy like I was the first time. That was a wonderful time. The testing like crazy, watching the line get darker and taking lots of pictures to send to my mother-in-law. After we lost that baby, every other positive test has been met with fear. And usually, “Oh shit.”

I just want to have that first feeling again. I want Joe to have it too. It’s one of the many things that this journey has stolen from us.

Posted on

Raw

I shared this blog with a friend. She responded that it is sure full of hurt. Yep, guilty on that one.

I am having to very consciously censor myself in a lot of these posts. While it’s therapeutic to throw everything out on the table, I have to remember my true intentions: Dear Fertile People, things an infertile girl wants you to know.

It’s not: Dear Fertile People, you do everything wrong and I hate you.
Or
Dear Fertile People, WTF is wrong with you?
Or
Dear Fertile People, I’m a jealous, negative bitch.

It’s things that I want you to know.

I can’t promise that I will always have the level of tact that I should, or that I won’t come across as excessively angry.
Unfortunately, I am excessively angry and raw.