Recent searches

I rarely look at my site statistics. Especially since I never post. When I do check though, I always look at the search terms. It gives me a good idea of how people found the site. It always makes me sad though. Recent terms have been I” hate being barren” and “I hate being infertile”. Barren is a really shitty word. I hate that word.

I also hate when someone reacts to your miscarriage by saying that they have lost a pet so they know what you are going though. Yeah, no you dumbass. Not even remotely the same thing. Grrrr.

I just fucked myself up

I went down the Facebook rabbit hole.
It was not planned. I dont even know how it happened. Looking for a work friend and ended up on my high school reunion page.
So many fucking kids. A million tiny babies. Twins even.
Why the fuck did I do that?

And then…

The husband decides that he is done. Well and truly done.

It literally took my breath away. Stole it, leaving me gasping.

You see, this is not what we had agreed upon. It doesn’t matter though, he’s just no longer in that head space.

And now I try to accept this thing that feels taken from me. All while trying not to become a statistic. We made it through six losses, this will become less raw with time too, right?
Please say yes.

Father’s Day

Watching my husband struggle today is heartbreaking.
He’s a Father to six except not. There’s no celebrating in this empty home.

Today is a day to grit our teeth and hope bedtime comes early.


Hugs to those who have not yet had the chance to celebrate a day like today.

Today is about grief too. The world might not understand that, but I do.

Announcing a pregnancy

Dear Fertile People,

This is a tough one. You’re having a baby and you’re super excited about it. I get that. I’m happy for you. I’m also sad, sad, sad for me. Regardless of how you announce your pregnancy, it’s always like a blow to the head, unexpected and crushing. A reminder of what I don’t have.

So what’s the best way to announce your pregnancy to someone dealing with infertility? Slowly, allowing for sufficient processing time. If you’re close with the person, chances are that they probably know if your pregnancy was planned or not. A planned pregnancy is easier to deal with because everyone knew it was coming. Eventually. An unplanned, out of the blue pregnancy announcement is hard. On both parties. Do your best to be sensitive and once again, allow time for processing.

I am a fan of announcing a pregnancy via email. Not to everyone, but to those that might have a hard time with the news. Email allows me to have my reaction, whatever it may be, by myself. I control when I can/want to respond. The extra processing time is a godsend.

It’s a crappy experience for everyone involved. Sensitivity goes a long, long way.

The Baby Shower Guide

There’s a baby shower going on today at work. I was feeling bad that I didn’t think that I could go. I put in money and signed the card but anything baby shower related is too painful for me. Then I feel bad. Then I feel sad. It’s a cycle, one that repeats itself all day.

Really though, why would I do something that hurts so much? No one will care. There will be plenty of people there and I’m sure that I won’t be missed. I just tried to explain why I won’t be able to participate and got a really, really insensitive response. People just don’t understand. But I knew that already.

The Baby Shower Guide for Infertile People:

Don’t go. If it hurts, don’t do it. Since we know that the understanding is just not there, don’t attempt to explain unless you are asked. Just don’t go. If anyone is upset you can tell them that it is too painful. No more, no less. Anyone who doesn’t get it is pretty damn thick. I don’t see an upside to going. The only downside is that I don’t get a cupcake. Oh well. I’ll live.


Infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss has stolen a lot from me. I was just thinking today that I will never again see a positive pregnancy test and be happy like I was the first time. That was a wonderful time. The testing like crazy, watching the line get darker and taking lots of pictures to send to my mother-in-law. After we lost that baby, every other positive test has been met with fear. And usually, “Oh shit.”

I just want to have that first feeling again. I want Joe to have it too. It’s one of the many things that this journey has stolen from us.


I shared this blog with a friend. She responded that it is sure full of hurt. Yep, guilty on that one.

I am having to very consciously censor myself in a lot of these posts. While it’s therapeutic to throw everything out on the table, I have to remember my true intentions: Dear Fertile People, things an infertile girl wants you to know.

It’s not: Dear Fertile People, you do everything wrong and I hate you.
Dear Fertile People, WTF is wrong with you?
Dear Fertile People, I’m a jealous, negative bitch.

It’s things that I want you to know.

I can’t promise that I will always have the level of tact that I should, or that I won’t come across as excessively angry.
Unfortunately, I am excessively angry and raw.